Congratulations. As a result of your diligent efforts, Over the Rhine is a much safer place than it was a few short hours ago. What, you ask, acts of heroism did you perform?
Well, you didn’t prevent the neighborhood punk from shooting a late-middle aged woman near 17th and Vine a week or so ago.
And you didn’t stop the deranged man who was verbally abusive and physically threatening to mothers walking their young children to school near Findlay Market last week.
Nor did you stop the two boys from the neighborhood two days ago when they took their fight over a wall and into Vine Street as they strangled each other.
You did drive right past two obvious crack or heroin transactions this afternoon while you were in hot pursuit of two hardened criminals — who were driving every bit of 15 miles an hour.
I know you thought those two were up to no good, buying drugs or looking for hookers. In fact, you were sure they were already high. After all, what sober person turns the wrong way onto a one-way alley, especially one that displays no sign announcing such fact? Or travels an additional block on another one-way street because he now has to avoid oncoming traffic and a street closure for construction?
If you paid any attention whatsoever on your beat, you’d have recognized the car as belong to a prominent citizen and a huge proponent of the renaissance of Over the Rhine. In fact, ask Chief Streicher who drives the yellow Corvette with green racing stripes. There is only one in town. Ask any twenty of your fellow officers who has always driven yellow Corvettes with the license plate IM4FUN. All twenty will probably be able to tell you the answer — and speak kindly of the man.
This citizen in question chose to headquarter his internationally recognized consulting firm in Over the Rhine back in the dark days. He also owned and operated another business across the street from that headquarters.
This citizen continues to support those who invest in Over the Rhine. That yellow Corvette is parked in front of Lavomatic Cafe virtually ever day while its owner enjoys his lunch inside. Most Saturdays, it is also parked opposite Tucker’s Restaurant and in a lot at Findlay Market while its owner visits Joe and Carla (thank you kind sir for introducing me to Joe and Carla) and buys from the Market vendors.
Your somber pronouncement of “multiple one-way violations” was almost laughable. The man acknowledged his error as you approached the car. He made a mistake, acknowledged it, and apologized for it before you ever opened your mouth. I guess you have never made an honest mistake. No one was endangered by his actions. Yours was the only other vehicle on either street.
Did your little traffic stop really require the reinforcements who came to your aid? Where does one draw the line of overkill? Two additional cruisers? Plus two bicycle-riding officers? And a motorcycle mounted officer? The horse mounted patrols in the area must have been on their lunch break. It’s a good thing they filled in the Erie Canal a century ago. Were it still here, you would have had to call for the police boat as well. I wonder how close you came to calling out Sheriff Leis’s helicopter. A K-9 unit would have been a nice touch, but a feline unit would have produced more results (see Note below).
You approached the car twice by yourself (albeit with your reinforcements close by). Was it really necessary to position the motorcycle officer two feet from the passenger door of the car when you came back to deliver the citation? What risk did you perceive in that passenger? Did he look ready to bolt? Was he threatening to you in some way? I’ll admit he comes off as one tough hombre — what with his Lacoste polo shirt, pressed khakis, business haircut and geeky eyeglasses (bifocals, no less). Imagine your surprise when he engaged your colleague in casual chitchat.
I am grateful for one thing — that neither you nor your colleague spotted the water bottle at the passenger’s feet. You see, the car owner-driver had just received a gift from Gus Miller, the proprietor of Batsake’s Hat Shop. Gus’s brother still owns a farm in Greece. Each year he sends Gus the best crop from his most prized mountaintop field of oregano. Gus packages the oregano and gives a quantity to his friends and best customers. Gus’s gift to the driver was a clear one liter bottle filled to the brim with this prized oregano. Had you spotted the bottle, you would certainly have confirmed your suspicion that these two criminals were users, dealers, or rubes having been taken by the local dealers.
For your incompetence in your overzealous enforcement of traffic protocol, I am relieved. I really didn’t want to call my wife this afternoon and ask her to post bail for my arrest for unlawful possession of a culinary herb. And my friend the driver didn’t particularly want to to make that call to his wife either.
Note: A cat trained to detect excessive fish contact would have immediately identified me as a dangerous slicer of smoked salmon.
Edit:† I have added photos taken shortly after noon on Monday, June 2 of the intersections from our perspective.† Note in each case the complete lack of signage.
Thirteenth and Republic:
Fourteenth and Republic (on Saturday access to 14th Street to the right was closed to traffic):
